| sweet jesus |
[23 Dec 2008|12:43am] |
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i havent updated this in years.....
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| its snowing!!! |
[19 Jan 2005|01:59pm] |
right so i just snapped some pics of java and i...yay for snow!
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[07 Jan 2005|11:09pm] |
i seriously dont think ive been this depressed in years....eh.....
i loved too much....and tried too little....
now im lost and alone.
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| blah |
[29 Dec 2004|11:20pm] |
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music |
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the fan on my comp...and cars outside |
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this week has been an interesting one. i've been taking a class over break, and i'm actually enjoying it...if only i could get myself on a normal sleeping schedule; class starts at 9am, i don't live too far from school-pretty close actually, but it still takes a few minutes to get there, find parking then find my classroom...so sleep is a must! i suck so much, i have to set like 3 or 4 alarms before i actually drag myself out of bed. the first one goes off an hour before i have to leave, next is 45 minutes, then 30...and if i hit snooze i get an extra 9 minutes one or two times before 15 minutes....thank god i'm boy-ish and don't have to do much before leaving....if it's a bad hair day i throw a hat on, brush my teeth and try to wake up. next semester starts on jan. 18th, yay. i've got 9am classes every day of the week next semester. i've taken a lot of time off of school for various reasons *car accident, bullshit, drama, life, whatever* and i should be graduating in 2005, and damn it i'm going to. i've had at least one free day every semester since i started school 3 1/2 years ago, but not this time. i'm honestly not going to have a full 'break' until i graduate in december 2005; that means winter intersession class *what im taking now*, at least 14 credits next semester *i'll hopefully be able to register for one more class*, probably 16 credits over summer break, and finish everything else up next fall semester...the thought of packing everything in freaks me out and stresses me out sooooo much...i've gotta meet with my advisor and figure out a game plan so i dont go fucking nuts.
right so my girlfriend and i had a good christmas...she got me an awesome watch along with a handfull of other great stuff....yay for duckies! i got a few really cool t-shirts too....i think my favorite is my 'mack' shirt or maybe the 'i love soccer moms' one.....i dunno but they're both hella cute!
hmmm what else is new...not a lot....my roommate is out of town, which is good cause she drives me fucking insane sometimes....she won't be back for a few weeks. *yawn* i got a digital camera....i don't remember if i cross-posted or x-posted some of my entries from my other journal *probably* but yes, i got a digital camera and have been taking a lot of photos....ill probably post a bunch when i get the chance.
right, so i'm gonna go look at some scheduling stuff for school so i can hopefully graduate when i want, print out homework for tomorrow, read my book, and pass the fuck out with trinity and java *my gf's dog, and of course my java!
sorry if this post is bland/boring/whatever, i dont care....lol my mind is so full of stuff i usually write random posts that are full of to-do lists, already-done lists, and should-do lists.....*yawn* maybe ill come up with something good to post sometime soon.
*
TONI
You are caring and generous, a pillar of your
circle of friends. And even the cartoonist
doesn't understand you.
Which Dyke of 'Dykes To Watch Out For' are you most like? (beta version)
brought to you by Quizilla
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| the christmas thing.....x-posted to my alter ego |
[25 Dec 2004|09:10pm] |
im still at my moms....kinda bored, kinda happy, kinda sad....it's nice to be home, it really is. i miss my mom a lot and i wish we lived closer; but we don't so whatever. my mom and i have always been extremely close but we don't know eachother, does that make sense to anyone? we left my dad over the summer when i was 6....i was the perfect little girl, long red hair, polite, quiet, did what i was told....and she was the perfect mom: thin, beautiful, sweet, and would have done anything for me. 15 years later here we are. i'm not so sure i'm the perfect little girl anymore...and not that upset by it. i'm 21, short 'boy-hair', i guess i'm just kind of lost in life right now. my mom is still beautiful and a perfectionist...and wants me to be perfect....i dunno i always stress when it comes to my mom. i know she loves me and is very proud of me....but there's just so much that we don't talk about, that she doesn't know. we have a good relationship i guess....i'm just afraid to ruin what we have....i know she doesn't want a queer daughter, with piercings, tattoos, dropped out of college kinda.....that's not the perfect daughter...ugh
i'm around my family: mom, dennis and my grandmother...it's nice everyone enjoyed the day....but i feel really alone for some reason. i wish i could have spent christmas with my girlfriend. i went to my mom's house and she stayed in richmond with her family; i really wanted to be there to see everyone open their gifts that abby and i picked out, but no such luck...i just feel really uneasy about a lot of things today.....we've been such the roller-coaster duo in the past and i want that to change....if i'm being a girl about it, i don't care....all i know is that i love her...and i want to be with her...no questions asked, no variables....no up in the air bullshit. i honestly think i put her above so many people in my life and just hold her so high....i don't know what i would do without her. i just wish things would even out...i want to be with her..and i want us to be happy and content with everything....i guess time will tell.
we sent out a bunch of christmas cards a week or two ago...i decided to send one to my dad and my grandparents/cousins....it's almost 9pm and i haven't talked to them. they're such assholes, the otherday i was going to go to maryland a day early so i could get some stuff out of my dad's house, visit with my family and friends....so i called my dad/grandparents to see if they were going to be around the day before, nobody answered or returned my phone calls. they always bitch that they never see me, but when i'm in town they're never around so screw it. i'm not going to let my shitty side of the family upset me any more than i already am today....ugh.
so yeah, the christmas haul. i'm excited to hear about what everyone got...i'm more into giving than getting i think *lol, that holds true in more ways than one* but let's see, what did i get? i got a digital camera, a really nice mat cutter-now i can make some shit and frame it! plus, framing things is a really good/nice gift....and i got stocking stuffers. it wasn't a huge christmas, but i also wrecked my car this past spring and my parents helped me out with the toyota. all in all i'm happy with christmas, the family tradition....getting smashed before noon....passing out for a couple of hours *yay nap*, followed by an awesome dinner and more drinking. we aren't a family full of drunks...but whatever lol we like to drink on holidays-we deal with eachother a lot better that way.
so right....i've been just bitching about a lot of nothing....so whatever...i'm going to go pack up my stuff so i can leave tomorrow morning. i'm ready to go back to richmond...abby and i are doing christmas tomorrow, i'm nervous/excited....it's insane how much i miss her when we're apart....i'm not going to die or anything...i miss holding her while we fall asleep the most.....eh...whatever.
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| random update- x-posted to my alter ego |
[22 Dec 2004|08:25pm] |
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food tv in the background |
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1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
got arrested!
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i honestly dont think i made any resolutions, so sure ill make one this coming year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
i dont think so.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
donna nolan-woman i used to nanny for, and mr. davis-guy whos lived next to my house *dads* for the past 50 years, he always sent me a christmas card.
5. What countries did you visit?
um....didnt go anywhere this past year.
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
ummm stability, as in: a job, money, school, and relationship.
7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
2-8-04 lets just say ill remember that bullshit
3-13-04 i totaled my car and fucked myself up really well
3-28-04 abby and i had our first date
7-4/5-04 three chopt west bullshit went down
8-10-04 we picked java up from the pound
8-18-04 court, and courtland had to go to jail, yay for the justice system, it actually worked out once!
thanksgiving 04 abby went home with me and met the family, awkward but not a totally bad experience.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
honestly, i dont feel as if ive achieved a damn thing this year.
9. What was your biggest failure?
i guess school since i flaked out hard core.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
got hurt when i wrecked my car....broken bones and such. and theres the cancer/whatever scare that im avoiding now-doctors scare the hell out of me, especially if im the one who might be sick.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
new car, or java-but she was a gift from my girl ;-)
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
abby, she hasnt killed me yet! lol i admit im a bitch from time to time
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
courtland, my father, terris, and cynthia.
14. Where did most of your money go?
drinking, credit cards, and girls *not hookers or anything, ex's and my girl now*
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
java
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
anything by B.E.P.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you
a) happier or sadder? about the same, maybe a little happier
b) thinner or fatter? same
c) richer or poorer? way more poor
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
working, and school.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
wasting time and arguing over bullshit.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
leaving tomorrow 12-23-04 to pick up my grandmother in md, then turn around and drive to radford, va to spend xmas with my family/mom
driving back to richmond on the 26th to have a belated christmas with my hunny.
21. Did you fall in love in 2004?
yes
22. How many one-night stands?
none
23. What was your favorite TV program?
l-word *second season starts on 2-20-05!*
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
erica and courtland, i never was very fond of erica-she always thought that i was going to steal her man, funny huh? a lesbian going after a fat waste of human flesh....ha, i think ill stick to being with thin attractive women thank you.
25. What was the best book you read?
sue monk kidd, the secret life of bees
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
nada, i dont listen to anything new, just what happens to be on the radio while driving
27. What did you want and get?
didnt really want much, didnt really get much......hold on! i got an abby and a java, two best girls ever
28. What did you want and not get?
i dont know
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
saved was awesome-we watched it last night
the incredibles-saw that this week as well
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
ended up taking my girlfriend to bookbinders, for my birthday...ha my birthday 21, it was bullshit
31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
better living situation.....bad spot living with cynthia, courtland and erica......made me broke, pissed me off, got me arrested, helped me drop out of school-couldnt sleep a normal schedule because of the revolving door on my apartment paired with the obnoxious & loud assholes who were always at my house.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
jeans and a t-shirt,im not fashion savvy, thats what my fashion guru/girlfriend is for, she dresses me fairly often
33. What kept you sane?
abby, but she makes me crazy as well
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
i dont think i had an idol this past year
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
w and his desire to make homosexuality more of a heartache.....i love being gay, but its hard enough without adding the political bullshit to it
36. Who did you miss?
skyler
37. Who was the best new person you met?
abby
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
no matter how bad you think things are, theyll get worse before getting better
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I've had a lack on inhibition, I've had a loss of perspective, I've had a little bit to drink, and it's making me think, that I can jump ship and swim, that the ocean will hold me, that there's got to be more, than this boat I'm in.
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| sickness.... |
[02 Dec 2004|06:35pm] |
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java playing with a new toy |
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so yeah...ive been stressed out hardcore over the past few months....if you keep up with my journal or even glance at it...you can tell where the stress level usually is...lol i do enough bitching to stress someone else out!
my puppy is the best...in the past week she has learned how to 'shake' and 'lay down' i think shes going to learn to stand on her back paws next....for the longest time we couldnt get her to do anything other than sit...but yeah....shes a smart pup now! plus....i got her a crate last week...and she loves it...sleeps in it....and even goes in without being forced, walks in herself.....soooo cute!
so im starting to freak out a little...over the past year 2 people i know have died from cancer and one of my favorite people in the world found out she has cancer again *she had breast cancer years ago, but now has bon cancer* so right....ive got a lump, well not a lump...a thick area on my right breast....its been there for a few weeks....and it hurts like a motherfucker....weird....could be a cyst...im supposed to go to the docs tomorrow, so hopefully ill find out and not worry anymore..cause christ knows i love my tits lol....
on top of that....i think im coming down with the cruddddd...my girl has been sick for two weeks...and ive been fine, up until today....i woke up feeling all groggy...and ive been coughing like crazy and my throat hurts like a bitch....maybe ill be able to get this sickness taken care of when i go to the doc for my breast problem...maybe i can even get a few extra prescriptions for random drugs....my doc here at school is pill happy....i went in for 'depression' over a year ago, in one visit i walked out with 4 prescriptions...lol....needless to say, i didnt take 'em all....saving up for a rainy day lol all of my friends and their family always ends up taking my meds...and im out...refil!
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| have you ever |
[22 Nov 2004|04:57pm] |
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have you ever felt like the biggest fuck-up alive....for a little over a year i feel as tho ive screwed my life up beond repair....ive pushed so many people out of my life, made horrible decisions *living at three chopt, terris etc.*, fucked up my credit, screwed over my job history, ive been running my relationship into the ground, fucking up school....oh and the list could go on forever.
ive said it a million times...a lot has to change...i need to fix so much and i better start now; time to dig myself out of this hole ive thrown myself into. i feel like everything builds up....any time i fix one thing, about 3 or 4 more distractions/problems/whatever is added to the list.
ive been in a rollercoaster relationship for the past 8 months...never stable...never 100% good. i dont know what it is about me....whether im just insanely hard headed, convinced that im in love or well....who knows what...i dont want to just call it quits...throw in the towel. i know i say a lot of shit and i may want to give up a lot of the time, but i dont because im stupid i guess. hopeless romantic, maybe? i might just hoping that we are starting out with the awful part of the relationship-once we iron everything out itll be golden. all i know is that i do love her...with every fiber of my being....and i fuck up a lot, i get pissed off too often, i bitch too much, i expect a lot, im over-bearing, im a lot of bad things wrapped up in one pseudo butch package. i whis so many things in my life/relationship were different. once in a while i sit back and just wonder what it would be like to start out fresh with someone else....sounds kinda nice, but honestly i dont want that. other times i sit back and think about the past 8 months, how much ive wanted this, how hard ive tried *im not saying i bust my balls all of the time to try*, how hard shes tried, we've tried....how i dont want to give up on someone i love so much.
ehhhh....i think i may have put the final nail in the coffin last night....said some shit that i really shouldnt have to someone...things i didnt mean. ha im in the doghouse to say the least....we're supposed to be going to my mothers tomorrow....for thanksgiving, to meet my parents/family for the very first time. im so afraid that its not going to happen now. ive been looking forward to it...im with someone that i love, and im proud of....and hell my mom cant get over the fact that im gay-how better to prove it by bringing my girl to a big ass family function. the only reason that she was going to go, was for me....now shes sick, pretty much hates me and well, why would she do anything for me, right? i just hope we still go...we've been planning this for awhile, we changed her family thanksgiving plans for this....we've put a lot of effort into it...i dunno....i just want it to happen...to get it all over with. so she can see where im from, see how my family is; maybe it will explain a lot, why i am the way i am...why im afraid of so much, why im so fucking quiet...just to see some of my life that she's only heard about from me. i think it would fill in a lot of the blanks...maybe id be more comfortable and able to open up a little more.
ive been fucking up left and right. i dont want to lead anyone on, or make anyone look like a dick, because damn...im the dick in this/these situation(s). i cant fully justify all of my actions....im just sorry for all of this. i love too much, care too much, afraid to be alone....need someone to talk to, need advice....maybe its true, maybe im just looking out for myself all of the time and dont care about anyone else. who knows. i want to be happy...i havent been happy for a prolonged period of time, its been years. i want to be head over heels in love...i want to wake up with a smile on my face....i want so much and i know who i want it with, now how do i just fix it? can it even be fixed. we've been trying so hard for so long. i dont want to be without her, the thought of it makes me sick, i tear up at the drop of a hat now....that so isnt me.
any of my friends...from a while back, like my bestfriend andrea....she knows me and has known me since i was 5 years old....shes one of the few people i still consider a friend; if she saw me now..how i am....she wouldnt even think it was me. ive always been a little sensitive, but i used to hold it all in...bottle it up and not expose my weaknesses to anyone...now im a pile of mush. ive never been a hardcore stone butch...but i was a lot more guy-ish....drinking beer with my friends, going out and just being more of a 'gentleman'...not anymore....i cry, im paranoid, im terrified, i dont go out, i dont really even have friends anymore...ive been femme as fuck lately...how do i fucking fix this, revert back to my old life. i wish i could go back 4 years. before i was with robyn. a lot of great things happened when i was with her, but i wish they hadnt...i changed when i was with her, especially toward the end of our relationship.
i see so many positive things in bois_inside, i want it to work with her, i really do. i know shes lost and confused and just unsure about so many things, her life, me, being gay, everything...theres a lot bearing down on her...and i push it....i make her sick....and i feel awful for it...id love it if she were happy, with me....i dont know how to fix it...or if i can even fix it. if there isnt a chance, i wish it would all just go...not give me hope...im not about to kick anyone out or anything...but if there isnt a snow balls chance in hell...i just want to forget it all.
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[16 Nov 2004|06:53pm] |
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im in a crappy mood i guess....i dunno....
i havent been sleeping very well lately, especially last night. my girlfriend's dog is here for a visit; trin *her dog*, java, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) bois_inside and i all in one bed....doesnt work out so well. ive gotta come up with some kind of sleeping arrangement for the dogs...cause well...yeah i think they slept better than we did lastnight.
everyone knows im a nanny....yesterday skyler *7 year old girl* was a complete brat...seriously made me want to quit, or beat her, or hell...both. today: yes, she was a fucking terror once again. if i was as bitchy, snotty, bratty, spoiled....and whatever as skyler is, when i was her age my mother would have kicked my ass. i think theres a huge problem with kids now, their parents dont spend enough time with them or beat them enough. seriously i feel like a stand-in housewife for the baker family. lol yeah a very gay one...but a housewife none-the-less.
i used to be a very confident person....confident in who i was and everything that i did. im not sure if i am anymore...or what...i get these surges of anger and frustration that just set me off and put me into bitch mode. when i get like that i do one of two things, either shut down and throw up the 'i dont give a fuck about anything wall' or i become some twisted version of a super needy femme....i dont care for either. i dunno....i wish my relationship were more secure....im confident in how i feel and all of that bullshit, and i know she loves me....just other people make me feel not good enough, i guess....i dunno....i think everything plays into it...but im just a little shaken right now. i dont feel good enough...or maybe not even that...i just feel like everyone else wishes that my girl were dating someone else. none of them really know me, aside from maybe her sister....and everyone thinks im bitchy and whatever....so yeah, makes it hard to hang out...or even want to for that matter. ive held grudges as far back as i can remember...once someone rubs me the wrong way, fucks me over, dislikes me for no real reason, or hurts someone i care about...theyre pretty much written off....why would i waste my time trying to win someone over that really has no personal value to me? ahhhhhh i guess sometimes you have to suck it up and shake hands with the enemy? or something lol i think if it were just more comfortable for me....like around my friends or my house or something.....not just me and all of them at once...i dunno....it all just feels so one sided or something. anyone have any advice?
so todays series of events has put me in a great mood...lol not sleeping well, bitchy crying kids, and yeah....just feeling like crap....gotta fix this before the gf comes home and my bad mood turns into fight of the fucking century. right...so im gonna go play with my dog and soak in the tub....always relaxes me.....too bad i dont really smoke anymore...a bowl would be good right about now...prolong my existance
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[13 Nov 2004|03:21pm] |
i woke up in a fairly decent mood...now i think i could just scream from frustration. i really dont know whats up with me anymore....
ive got a lot on my plate, and i really dont want to deal with anything....
i really dont know why im in this relationship anymore....im in love yes....thats 100% true...but christ most of the time i just want to shoot myself in the face....how can you be with someone if you dont like them for them...who they are....thats just bullshit to me. love concurs all supposidly....i guess we'll see.
i hate my job(s), i want a good one that actually pays.....my dog is getting annoying...shes a piss monster and accidentally clawed the shit out of my leg today when she jumped up on me.....but shes the cutest puppy in the world so i cant be mad for long.
i guess im in a really shitty mood in general?
id love to go out and do something....but i dont really have friends here anymore, over the past few months/year ive blown them off and well just totally forgotten about them for one reason or another....i dunno.....im soooo frustrated....
ahhh...i think im gonna go take a bath and attempt to drown in the tub....just joking....ha
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[08 Nov 2004|02:16pm] |
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java's 'baby toy' fuckin annoying thing! |
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*yawn* i'm always sooooo tired anymore....i really don't understand. the past weekend was pretty nice, actually had the weekend off and i didn't even ask for it! *oh oh and i've got this weekend off too!*
bois_inside, her sister and i drove to their mom's house in md....spent some quality time with the inlaws lol....and ummmm...made christmas ornaments, and i knitted my ass off. seriously, how many 'butch' women do you know that knit? i'm not so butch obviously. lol
i got home from work not too long ago....took a nap....and now i'm not sure where my girl is. she totally hates it that i'm always tired....hmmmmm i guess it's time for java and i to go and find her.
sorry my updates are soooo lame...but whatever!
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| duck duck duck.... |
[05 Nov 2004|07:42pm] |
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java is insane! running laps and stuff |
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yay, lastnight we looked online...and ordered a shitload of new duckies.....14 to be exact....you know once you spend a set amount of money you dont have to pay shipping-so of course we spent the set amount; yay for rubber duckies! ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) birls has themes all of the time, the newest photo theme is 'hobbies'...what are my hobbies...c'mon you guys know this! collecting rubber ducks, doing art stuff and im now obsessed with knitting-how butch of me, eh?! i dunno, thinking of taking a pic of me in the bath with all of my duckies-with my shoulder duckie tattoos showing of course, a pic of me with my welding shit on looking all bad ass...and a pic of me all dyked out knitting-it'll be hott i promise! lol jk!
i had to work at 5am...as always. myndi *one of my managers* called at 445 to tell me that we had like 20 catering orders and a few had to be done at 515 and 530....fuck heads, can't give anyone a heads up or early warning....just call my sleepy ass when i'm trying to wake up.....ugh! right, came home and took a nap...woke up to abs cleaning my room, so sweet....
i have this weekend off, how about that shit?! i've come to the conclusion that i don't like my bagel job. sure it's easy...and the people are alright BUT the money sucks my left pretend nut, and the ass o'clock hours are even worse! so i pretty much get up well before sun-up to make shit money...not my ideal let me tell you. i think i want another bar/restaurant job...i've still got 'bitter-waitress-syndrom' i think BUT you can't beat the money. maybe a kitchen job....prep somewhere else will totally pay more...or even working on the line....i can cook, and i'm fast, maybe?!
i walked into the entrance of my apartment building and damn did it smell good! i kinda hope that i'm one of those people that smells sooooo good, and you can still smell me when i'm gone; like...just in the room....on your clothes....on your sheets, god damn i love that....and i smell good too damnit!
we're going to maryland i think. staying with her mom and the million and one dogs...hopefully i don't get bit this time....poor java is going to have to hold her own....i'm going to try to knit a few things this weekend....read a book, just relax cause i don't ever have the chance.
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| fuckin americans.... |
[03 Nov 2004|12:22pm] |
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i really dont understand some people's logic....let's vote for the president who has been a fuck up for the past 4 years.....the economy, the war, oh my god...just all of it makes me feel fucking ill. republicans are the majority in the house, senate...the presidency....jesus the usa is going to hell. hopefully bush fucks up really well...gets caught with a hooker, doing a line of coke, something...show how fucking moral he is...i doubt it.
i feel sick....i stayed up too late watching the shitty election, had to get up early for work-i stayed late too...now it's time for me to take a nice relaxing soak in the tub....then off to job number two for the day...
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| the never-ending day |
[27 Oct 2004|11:36am] |
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random tv bullshit |
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i've come to the conculsion that i am never going to have another full night's sleep/regular schedule more than 2 nights in a row again. with working as much as i do and attempting to have a relationship, as well as a possible social life *havent been social yet* i don't have time to sleep. i take at least one nap a day for about 1 1/2-3 hours *depending on my schedule for the day*; so my life is just one lone ass day!
i've been a lot more in the artist mindset lately....been painting and trying new things. here's a new piece i made a few days ago. i've got mixed feelings with it....there's meaning behind it-of course...but it's more of the technique that i like, more than the concept/meaning....it's all melted crayons...about 9"x11"......tell me what you think.....
i also bought some larger canvas 20"x24", im not a painter-i work hands on 3D stuff usually...metal work and furniture design....im a little afraid to go larger with painting, i usually stick to notebook sized work, is anyone else "larger-than-a-piece-of-paper-painting-phobic"
other than art and not sleeping....my life has been pretty full....trying to do the relationship thing, sort out feelings in my head....ugh holidays are coming up, which means i get to deal with my family...if i haven't shot myself this far into it, i might off myself this season *lol* j/k....things are looking up, but i'm wearing myself down and i feel like i'm spread very thin these days. not enough time to focus on myself let alone anyone else....but i'm trying to cover it all.
i had some film developed the other day; take a look at insane ( cuteness )
on another note, time for a shower and on to job number two for the day!
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| short and sweet |
[25 Oct 2004|12:09am] |
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mood |
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sleepy |
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today. ahhhh, woke up to my alarm at ass o'clock this morning, went to work, ran errands, created a piece *will post it later this week* and thats pretty much it. *yawn* my house is trashed, between jobs tomorrow afternoon ive got a lot of cleaning to do. she comes home from dc tomorrow.... =) i dunno...my mind feels like jello.....but things will settle down soon i think, everything is in motion, transition i suppose....
whatever, this post is hella lame....sorry about that. i dont think i have that many avid readers anyway! java and i are off to bed, ive gotta be at work in like 4.5 hours, isnt that some bullshit?!
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| driving..... |
[23 Oct 2004|09:16pm] |
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mood |
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pissed off |
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music |
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java chewing on a toy at my feet |
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ive had the past two days off...which is awesome, ive got next weekend off too. *yawn* i dropped her off in dc a little while ago....now im home, bored, thinking....alone.
what should i do? im so torn...between so many things, i feel like im spread so thin. between work and my day to day life im left so exhausted. i dont know what to believe....is she filling my head with lies and bullshit...wanting me to give my all and still fall short? i want love so bad, it has become my new passion...i live for it. what can i do...what can i say...how do i make it work...in my favor? i want to win...im the better of the two....im here, im ready....bring it on....i just cant deal with this invisible competition...this false comparison....i just want to know...is it me...or is it a choice between the two of us....one or the other...not both.....we've both been around far too long.
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| good day.... |
[22 Oct 2004|06:47pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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music |
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movie previews in the background |
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*yawn* i actually had a great night of sleep lastnight! candlelit bath followed by 'pass the fuck out'....i didnt get up until noon. i really needed a solid 12 hours of sleep i think. we went thrifting again today, i think thrifting will be our 'friday thing'; i actually found some stuff today...not what i went out for, but i found a lot of super cute shirts....yay for thrift stores! ate at the crazy greek, had some awesome sulvaki *sp* eventho it gave me dog breath it was worth it....
so my roommate alissa is supposed to cut my hair tonight; lastnight i had a dream that i cut my own hair in the reflection of a car window...it's a sign dammit!
i voted about an hour ago! absentee baby...fucking virginia is such a republican state, the fact that my vote canceled out some fat old white man's vote makes me smile....i want to move to a more libral state...or fucking city for that matter. richmond isnt half bad...kinda ghetto and boring, but im not uncomfortable walking down the street hand in hand with a woman-but then again, i'd probably be ok being gay infront of the pope *just not my mother* lol...what the fuck ever.....
laundry and haircut time!
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| morning person... |
[17 Oct 2004|10:04am] |
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im so not a morning person, but my new job is gonna at least make me get up early! my cell phone is fucked up...and its going to cost me at least $150 for a new one...if i get the one i want, ill need to change my number....hmmmm ive had the same number for a few years....time for a new one i guess, this one is probably on too many bathroom walls and blackbooks *lol* im just kidding. so right, my mom and i are having a really good visit...she took me shopping, new shoes....YAY! i just got home from work, need to take a shower...my mom and i are gonna go run some errands and maybe shop a little more; i love when she visits...i get free food, new clothes & i dunno...its kinda nice to see my mom, i didnt realize that i missed her so much. she hasnt bitched about my queerness, my house, my clothes...the only semi negative thing she said was....my blonde hair was better for the summer and she wants my hair to be red again-i think everyone including myself agrees with her. im trying to grow the front out....and leave the back short and kinda messy...i might get my lip pierced today...i kind of want to ask the family i nanny for if it would be ok...but i dunno...if i just do it, what can they do...fire me for having a piece of metal shoved thru my face? i wonder what theyre going to say about my tattoos..im supposed to take their kids swimming this winter at the gym.....ha i dunno...maybe the kids wont notice....but metal thru my head...might be a little more obvious. *yawn* shower time...
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[16 Oct 2004|02:26pm] |
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good god im tired! so i had an unexpected day off yesterday, yay for that! i didnt really get to do anything super fun tho....bois_inside and i hung out, went to the thrift stores....got a shirt and she got some combat boots....hmmmmm i procrastinated like a bitch and didnt get my room/house as clean as i wanted...my mom is coming for a vist; shit she just called...shes down the street...cross your fingers ladies, hanging out with my mom stresses me out more than late bills lol...whatever...its only for a night....
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| another day of work... |
[13 Oct 2004|12:16pm] |
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mood |
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calm |
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music |
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the rain outside |
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damn, im not really sure how many days in a row i have worked, but i know it's a lot! my next day off looks like it may be next monday.....so at least 21 days in a row without a scheduled day off.....crazy shit if you ask me! i totally slept thru my alarm this morning, two of them in fact. good thing my friend robin is the manager, she called and woke my ass up at 6, i was supposed to be there at 5...ah whatever not a big deal cause i still finished all of my work before i was scheduled to leave.
my mother is coming for a visit on saturday, and is planning on spending the night. my parents have never stayed at my house before, kinda glad it's just my mother...but yeah, i think she's going to snoop around and be nosey...better hide the sex toys and overly gay things-it's a lot easier to have a nice visit by doing this lol! i've gotta finish all of my many loads of laundry tonight, straighten my room and clean the kitchen. tomorrow i get to clean my car and wash it *if its not raining-buy some bondo to fix the little dent in my bumper-cause my mom will have a fucking fit if she sees that*, then friday java gets a bath and the carpets get cleaned....sounds like a big pain in the ass to me....all for a 24 hour visit. none-the-less, i'm glad my mom is coming up....i think we're going to go shopping, have her take me out for the random bullshit that im otherwise too lazy to buy.
after mom leaves, on sunday my roommate and i might go to river city for a new piercing or something...im considering either a lip/labret ring, an industrial *i eventually want a double industrial in my left ear, you know one right above another one*, or my right traigus *sp*...depending on cash flow ill more than likely end up with a hole in my heads sunday afternoon....if theyre not open on sunday...then monday!
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